The future, my future

Most of us come to a point of our lives where we are bound to make a decision that decides whatever comes next. By whatever I mean everything.

Graduated from high school almost a year ago and I remember contemplating almost every day about what I'm about to do next. Because its where everyone starts running to very, very different pathways when all that was before were pretty much planned by others even before we were born. But now, we are left with the responsibility to acknowledge our purpose and destinations and decide on one. just. one.

The optimistic phrase of 'I would do anything' will not come in handy now, neither does 'I don't want to do anything'. We breathe, eat and sleep to live for tomorrow and tomorrow we must have a mission or all these breathing, eating and sleeping are meaningless. For all you know, those who do not have a mission will not survive. I'm talking in terms of life, we are considered dead if there is no mission. Because we live for ourselves, and doing nothing for ourselves should signify that we're not.. 'alive'.

One year has passed since I took on this decisive journey and I believe it is my turn to decide on my mission. Architecture.

No matter how many negative reviews I've heard from various sources, including my own father, I'd have the tendency to look around for more options and it filters back to the profession, Architecture. I had no solid reasoning for my choice back then, but after countless considerations and thoughts put into my future, I don't know if there is any other course that would suit me better. Honestly, I had no idea what I preferred.

BUT

I realise all these reviews I heard were not of my worries because the problems proposed were not any sort of restriction, but irritation and fear. I could be wrong, but to me it is just unethical for one to complain about bringing fine art in the form of buildings and thinking that not enough was given in return when these architects or future architects have offered  or would offer a solid masterpiece in their own name. If I were capable of doing so, I'd be proud, really proud that I was given the chance to design a home, facility or even an  inspiration for the people. Money should not be a case of concern as I feel that it only provides a sense of security, instead of a main priority. I could be a hypocrite but this is what I wish to achieve, this attitude I want to nurture and live as a career. Constantly putting myself in a dilemma will only kill me more, because I am oblivious if there are any better options for me and so far, it should be this one. I have to decide, and this should be my mission.

Mean

It is essential for one to feel for another.
Insults, discrimination and disrespect. I have to admit that my overall college life involves most of these three traits, but that's if I'm seeing it from a different point of view. I am influenced, and at times carried away by the enthusiasm of the happenings in the class of SP6. Whether or not this is a sin or a spice of life, only a neutral person can tell. The persistence of this infamous attitude, though, is due to the laughter and exciting atmosphere it brings to the class. Honestly, I disagree, I do not fancy some of these "jokes" that is made by and for some of us. But we keep an open mind and heart. We forgive but not forget, and hope that we are in control of our own emotions, as I should be. I shall not forget my roots.

Punch this in my head

NO SUCCESS WILL COME WITHOUT EFFORT

..and understanding

..and passion

..and motivation

..and support

..and concentration

..and thought

..and ability

..and sacrifice

and.. failure.

Titanium

The way this song is constantly playing on the radio definitely got me thinking it's just one of those heavy-beat/crazy club songs. Then a friend of mine surprised me by saying this was one of the many songs that his class did for creative writing assessment, and it was about hardship. So I watched and listened. Now I think I have to list this song down as one of the songs that will motivate me to do anything. It's funny how a some song signifies so many meaningful things.

Luka

English - Creative writing (practice for internal assesment)

As the adult Luka, write a personal reflection of your childhood.

            I didn’t know whether to feel thankful or hatred for them. I sat in the empty church with a well suited military uniform as the coffin of both my parents stood before me, waiting to be buried. Considering all the time that they spent ill-treating me at home, I wasn’t surprised that no one came to honor the death of my parents. I instantly began to dwell on the horrifying memories that made me who I am today.

            I’ve always felt like I was entering some kind of a wrestling match whenever I walked into the apartment we used to live in. The only difference is that I couldn’t fight back, which made me felt like a prisoner. The way I see it, a more specific way of describing the “wrestling arena” would be a caged one. I’d run but the result would remain the same; the torture from my parents wouldn’t end until my eyes were soaked while theirs, without reasoning, were fiery.

            I was young and naive, which didn’t help at all. I had no power or knowledge for everything that was happening against me. But I grew into the agony and got braver. I accepted the mistreatment like a lost puppy as it was the only option I had; asking why would just deteriorate the situation. “Shut up!” my dad would say, and the next hit came harder. Amidst all the torment, I only had myself to talk to. Although the neighbor downstairs would occasionally question the bruises and scars, I couldn’t go on with the conversations that were full of lies.

            Today, I realized not a single tear flowed from my eyes, despite the fact that it was a shocking road accident that took their lives, I’ve cried enough. But I also comprehended that I was half thankful for without them, I wouldn’t have had the courage to join the army and won battles. Although, every now and then I still find myself wondering if this was what my parents hoped of me. All I know is that I always have been living a life that is true and honest to myself alone, and I’m planning to keep it that way. 

SP6

"Life is good." Mr. Chan, Physics. :)

Head or heart?

Does the heart control the head or the other way around? 

Everchanging

I don't think constantly talking about how college is for me over here on my blog is too much, cause in a few months time I'll only be able to talk about how college was for me. All these assignments and tests, I'd have to admit its a lot but on the contrary I believe I learn and grow.  Take presentations for example, I remember during one time in high school, I just read off an article in front of the class for some Bahasa Malaysia oral test, keeping the paper down and trying not to look as if I'm literally doing it, horribly done. I believe that case of scenario is not even an option any more, considering how much this course values, I try..

Physics presentation on momentum in two dimension:

HOWEVER, I don't know how good I can do, or how good I did compared to others, I don't want to know either, but I only know that its what I did and I've only the choice of feeling confident about it, even if it puts me at the bottom of the table among my classmates. That is to say, my best might not be so impressive either, and it gets more frustrating from there, I need to work harder sometimes.  Unless it was an effort of a poor man with a complete set of hands, legs and mind, then I have every right to blame myself and probably curse myself to sleep.
three tests, one assignment and one long presentation this week. hell yeah..?

I got a haircut too

Remember when I said how the past 17 years of my life has been rather different from what I'm experiencing now? Yeah, I guess that's how my life unfolds, tons of challenges that changes what happens tomorrow or whatsoever. I have to learn to accept now, what I do today is what I am tomorrow. A little too naive thinking that high school was all-that, apparently its just something almost everyone goes through, and that's what we talk about, things that we can relate to one another.

Almost halfway through my semester break now, a check list of assignments and presentations to prepare for the upcoming second semester of my course:

1. ESL issue investigation presentation

2. Chemistry issue investigation final report

3. Chemistry source analysis

4. Chemistry test 3

5. Physics presentation 

6. Moral studies written assignment and creative work

7. Spec. Maths homework (catch up -.-)

Its also safe to say that I've yet to complete any one of the above, oh well, impossible is nothing. I'll just have to sacrifice more time and fun next week cause I'm going to Mount. Kinabalu tomorrow. Typical college life, I'm getting used to it. X)

..and I watched 2 superhero movies today and read an article about real life soldiers who make rambo look like a pussy. It all gave me a sense of determination. :D

The Limit

There are times when thinking hard just isn't enough. But I don't think enough is the word for it, more like, its not it. Successful requires you to think outside of the box, some simply can't do it most of the time. Well, least they think so, I think so. Then I start to wonder if there is this possibility of training your mind to have that mentality, which may sound absurd because I proceed to wonder about those little smart kids having that ability  as they were born that way. Talent, they say. In some cases you are trained, the rest are just opportunity grabbers. For hard-work, you could combine everything and you get "grabbing every chance to train to be where you want to be". Then I take into consideration IQ level, this short story called "Flowers For Algernon" basically proved the standards of intelligence when compared to another, based on the IQ level. The story of Charlie Gordon unable to see more than just an ink blot to criticizing his own doctors that carried out an operation to increase his IQ level by a milestone. I've started to apply the "They are so smart" statement on people with such ability and probably cautioned to what I was saying.

College has been treating me well alright, in a way that I can't even explain. But I know I have a foundation to build, and its not something you could excel at without much consideration of logical reasoning and hard-work. I sometimes consider this as practice, but it may be too costly to my future to fail this "practice" or even call it one. It is also safe to say how 2012 has made the past 17 years or so of my life pretty insignificant and very definitely, a wake up call. I can't complain, I won't either, I guess this is what life has to offer me, this is what life is and I proudly accept whatever comes with as much belief as I could possibly foster. :)

Inner Peace

I've meditating since a few days ago, every night to be precise. I think after going through so much during the period of a day, I thought I should learn to calm myself down and think about the people revolving around me, and I send merits to them. All I do is simply wish them well.

May ... be free from danger, mental suffering, physical suffering and be well and happy always. 
Whether or not it will all come true, I'll still feel that bit of peace and thankfulness before I switch off my lights and go to bed. I guess it works for me. :)

All Time

These are books I got with book vouchers. :D

I'm not usually a book hunter or a kind of reader that goes for trilogies and sagas, excluding that Darren Shan vampire saga, that one's exceptional to me. Whenever I walk into a book store now and then, I find myself automatically directed to the "life and romance" novels section, Nicholas Sparks and Mitch Albom to be exact. Ever since reading Tuesdays With Morrie about two years ago, I've been hooked on to that story to an extent where I still had the same interest for it while catching the movie some time later.

Then I was introduced to Nicholas Sparks, the first book that I read from him was A walk to remember, which I feel made less of an impact compared to The Notebook. I don't know if I'll ever forget these two books, but I'm glad to have them in my little library. :)

I just can't wait to read them again! Oh and the middle book is still a mystery.

Courage

I want to be.. me.
There's a lot of things that we don't realize until you see yourself from another person's perspective. A neutral person of course. A person that cares.

and push-ups should make me feel better. :)

Weak

I contradict myself too much sometimes. Sigh 

The A-TEAM

I don't think there's much more to say for this team except that it was a pleasure having them as my team mates for this year's Buddhist Fellowship Futsal. We were hopeful and resistant, but not long enough to win all our games if you compared us to the other teams. The best thing about this whole thing for me is that the team was better than last year, and I know we'll get somewhere farther next year. Maybe with the same jersey, too.

Match 1: A-TEAM 8 - 0 UBF
Match 2: A-TEAM 1 - 4 BUDDY
Match 3: A-TEAM 0 - 4 TARABUDDY

We could've done better, I could've done much better.

Without you

When the meaning of the song overlaps the lyrics of it. It makes you smile, not because you're glad, but because you feel complete in a certain kind of way. :)

Forrest Gump

Sometimes in a movie I tend to learn something from it or gain something, at least. But Forrest Gump has to be one of the most rewarding movies I've ever watched. I see life as a journey where you enjoy every bit of it along the way, even while I was watching this movie. (:

I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away.

My generasi

Selfish

I often wonder how some people manage to be so patient and tolerant with the crazy situations and foolish people they've dealt with. Then I thought of my religion, no, I'm not saying their reactions is because of Buddhism, I meant from where I remember, it isn't necessary to expect gold when you give gold, because when you give gold, you are gold.

 

I guess that's all that matters. :)

You X I

If you ever have the courage to distinguish yourself from the people around you, then I believe you are special, you are you. 

As it is

Amongst the very few of you that drops by from time to time, this is written only to one of you.


unfold
We live for ourselves.

Whole Heartedly

It is not an oversight. Paul was speaking of faith just a moment before. He says, 'And if I have all faith, so that I can remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing.' So far from forgetting, he deliberately contrasts them, 'Now abideth faith, hope, love', and without a moment's hesitation the decision falls, 'The greatest of these is love.'

Like the Flowing River, Paulo Coelho


I hope I read the right books, say the right words, do the right things and make right decisions. Truth is that you're never going to know if it was all right, until its alright. 

Save yourself

There's a big difference between "what you do" and, "why you do it". The sense of self-conciousness, although, has changed the question of why you're doing it into "are you doing it good enough?". Maybe if people were to prioritize their personal perspective of good will and good conduct, then passion would arose even more naturally for everyone. I have faith in humanity, I'm just disappointed when people lose their sense of belief just because they're affected by the people around them, including myself. But I'll be myself, I'm best at it.

By the way, have you ever wished you could see the future before it happens? Because at the moment, I wish I could, but I might still be wrong.

The green light; all I need

I like how when I'm jogging and sometimes I might have to stop for cars to pass by first at a junction but they're the ones that stop for me instead and they wave me ahead as if saying: "Go ahead boy, the roads all yours, I'll wait for you to go first, I don't want to stop your run." Motivated, I reply to them in my own head and say: "Alright man, the next kilometre I'll be going for is for you, thank you very much." 

Reflexes

Its pretty difficult to get hold of your sense of control when you're going through so much in such a short period of time. Today is of course, 4/3/2012, two months and four days passed, believe me I have never imagined my life to be as different as it was two months and four days ago. I have lost and I have won, but it still depends on how I'm looking at it, I could be saying to myself that I've benefited from everything that is happening, that everything is only for my own good, or I could say that this is really sucking me up. I'm probably on the fence in that case because if I were to consider what I used to have and what I have now, its..just.. sad. Because I've parted ways with someone that has every potential to make me happy, and when I think of it, I'll just tell myself that anything can happen in the future. That's life. It's full of surprises.

Emotions aside. I realize my patience for the past three weeks have been deteriorating. At least I realized, and that is good for me, considering how my future depends on it. You know, if I were to punch someone in the face(just an example), it is most likely that another blow will come back right at me, but if someone were to punch me, and I calmly avoid that hit, I don't think it will cause further problems. I don't think you should call it a fight, when there is no second blow. But that's how you deal with mad men. To fight for what is right is a whole different story.

Seeking solace

Borrowed this from Taylor's Lakeside campus. 

Something to fill my time of thoughts. 

I'd be sorry

Given a chance, I would gladly take the blame and apologise for my mistakes. Its usually going all great for you until you realize what kind of a person you have been after a while. No wait, the response of the people around you, they're the ones making me realize what you are today. Sadly enough, they can't tell you right away, neither can they accept you instantly. Well, the scenario has to be 'in a bad way'. Observance is crucial.

I'd rather exchange ego for the world to turn back at me because there is no reason to be denial in this. I choose to live in harmony than to live in hate, I'm hoping to welcome the same service in return. The only disadvantage in it would just cost you your ego, which I don't think is worth the respect of another.
I don't want to have to take a step back to do this all over again because I was wrong, give me a chance to take a step forward with another foot, on the same path.

Note to self:

Apparently, you cannot fight fire with fire, you fight fire with ice.
Or maybe a smarter way to win would be by avoiding it.

For all you know the fire could just be shielding paradise.
Okay, jason?

Don't mind if i do

So now I guess this blog will be the place I'll be swimming in again, probably more willingly than ever. Maybe if you could bare whatever I have to say for you, my reader, and I on this blog, then we must have thoughts alike. Its when you have that once in a week thing where you look forward to spilling all your stories. Routine changes though, so does my hair. Hence, treasures of my heart rests here. (:

Dreaming out loud

Dreams aren't supposed to be forgotten. But they say the only memory you will have from a dream is that you had a dream without remembering what was it. 5 minutes after waking up and you instantly forget it. So you keep a book with a trustworthy pencil next to your bed. That is what's new with me.

Or you know, it doesn't have to be that way. After all, we're human. We have a mind of our own, just like how we would think of that damn printer we own. But they can't change, they're repeatedly constant, on the other hand, we're constantly changing by choice. You don't follow the steps of the people walking in front of you, unless you're taking a brisk walk at 6 in the evening while facing east and you have your shadow cast in front of you.

There are rules we follow, and those are the rules we ourselves make. You can't possibly follow someone into the dark when a bright one is yours to walk. Walk alone? Read my second paragraph again. By then it doesn't matter if you remember the dream you once had in your sleep or the dream you made soberly, you're already chasing one or better yet, creating one.

Karma will have its say, good choices will lead to better ones and likewise, you know?

Holes Inside

It's okay to have your heart occupied, for mine it is and it will be. You know, It doesn't really matter to me if this isn't going to end because as long as I feel that it's worth it, I know I don't want it to end. Yes, I don't.

I will be using my heart, as I've been told to do so before. You don't have to try so hard either, because for me I'm just going to let things flow as it is without torturing myself. Listen here, I won't torture myself being with you, even now, even mentally.What could hurt me again are your choices and decisions.. which I hope are the same as mine. But then again, I don't have the rights any more, I can only hope. Hope I will.

Meals On Wheels #1

I've always considered visitng the old folks' home or orphanages as something great to do, and if it were to be between visiting Tong Sim Senior citizens care centre or playing volleyball, I didn't choose volleyball. heheh. Anyway, the place is for the aged who were abandoned by their families heartlessly. Since the golden opportunity arose when Swea Phin decided to involve some of us in this Meals On Wheels trip there, I guess it would be nice to make some of them happy for the day. :)

 

Talking to them was one of the best way to allow them to realize someone still cares. Unfortunately most some of us were held back due to language barrier as some of them couldn't communicate in other languages other than cantonese or all the more saddening, couldn't communicate at all.

Hopefully our voluntary presence was enough to lighten their moods.

Although, I feel it is unfair to all of them to be sent here, meaninglessly waiting for every second to pass and only every meal of the day to look forward to.

 

   

   

 

We tried our best to entertain them though. With songs, epic acts and whatsoever.
The most rewarding thing you could get in return was a sincere smile they would give for every thing you do, even laughing without a reason or a simple tune of a song could ignite a cheerful heart in them. :D

   

And you definitely know that by the end of the trip, you will look forward to the next one because the experience you gain is just that special from any other. :)

 

Lakeview park